Commercials I Do Not Want
by Dr. Abraxas
Summary: A series of drabbles about various commercials - Progressive, Swiffer, Geico.
1. Index

**001** **WTF - The Life Of A Mop** | **T** | **Posted**: 2010-01-26  
_...based on the Swiffer-Mop commercials... I can't justify why I wrote it and I can't guarantee it will be the last either. If you've watched the commercials you know the setup - only this time the mop gets revenge._

**002** **Oh, Gods, Again** | **T** | **Posted**: 2010-01-29  
_It's about Flo, the Progressive lady, and a monk looking to buy a little insurance._

**003** **I Left My Tail Between Their Legs** | **M** | **Posted**: 2010-02-07  
_The Gecko wants to apologize to the cavemen about the company's latest inflammatory ad - when he goes to their house he sees something that warps his mind for all time._


	2. WTF The Life Of A Mop

**001** **"WTF - The Life Of A Mop"** by **Abraxas** 2010-01-26

The mop was green with envy. Once not a week passed without a dunk in a bucket. Now, instead of kitchens and bathrooms, it world was a hook inside a closet. All because of Swiffer.

The doorway cracked and it watched through the gap. The woman fawned at the newcomer. Other, neighborhood women came to watch the upstart. It raged - something had to be done.

That day the woman looked into the closet. A shriek echoed through the house. It was impossible to say yet the mop's bush of tendrils seemed to shape a smile. Meanwhile the Swiffer lay broken.

**END**


	3. Oh, Gods, Again?

**002** **"Oh, Gods, Again?"** by **Abraxas** 2010-01-29

It was a slow, slow day at Progressive. Muzak played while shoppers ambled. Every now and then somebody stood at the cashier while Flo chatted and chatted...and chatted.

A few seconds of silence later - and bored out of her wits - Flo walked about the aisles to find something to do.

A man in purple and black robes scanned various boxes of insurance. She thought it was weird but, truth be told, there had been quite the assortment of customers lately. Adding that internet web site brought out all sorts of characters (and businesses) and she liked that a lot.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, er, I neet to buy a little insurance."

"What are you looking to protect?"

"Well, that's just it, I switched careers and I want to insure something that doesn't get insured, you know what I mean?"

"Yes, at Progress we insure all sorts of things. Cars. Motorcycles. Boats. ATVs. You name it."

"Awesome! I need to insure my penis..."

"Your penis! Really? Your penis!"

"My professional stage name is The Monk - here, let me show you..."

He parted his robes and revealed his penis.

"Oh, wow, you weren't kidding about a little insurance, weren't ya!"

**END**


	4. I Left My Tail Between Their Legs

**003** **"I Left My Tail Between Their Legs"** by **Abraxas** 2010-02-07

Doctor: "Start at the beginning."

Gekko: "OK..."

The lizard wandered the streets. Armed with a map, which it consulted often, it was on a mission to find fellow (and miffed) spokesfigures. The cavemen - who felt offended by the company's latest internet campaign.

The gekko reached the neighborhood. Swanky and well-mannered. Everything was unique and filled with such taste that it wished it brought a camera.

Gekko: "Clearly, the cavemen saved a bunch of money if they lived in a place like that!"

"And here we go," it said to nobody. "Remember, just smooth it over..."

The reptile launched itself through the lawn. Then, when it reached the house, climbed its door to ring its bell. It was not met with a reply.

Gekko: "Yeah, that Geiko blimp above, it might have given me away..."

They had to be home so instead of retreating it continued to climb about the house.

Gekko: "Why did I do it?" the lizard wailed, its butt swollen and bandaged.

Doctor: "Take a breath and say what happened," the shrink prompted.

Gekko: "So, there I was, innocent and - dare I say - endangered lizard trying to console my friends. When I looked into the window. Oh, god, there's no money to pay the therapy no matter where I switch to, doc. I caught them...shaving - they were shaving, doc, they were shaving everywhere. Their heads. Their backs. Oh, and their stuff. I saw them stretch their cocks and balls while they swiped with a razor. They were shaving! I heard about it - cavemen trying to pass - I never thought I'd live long enough to see a bunch of men shaving their junk. Not since that Progressive Miroku/Penis have I been so disgusted by mammalian anatomy. I ran away so fast I left my tail behind..."

**END**


End file.
